I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.