I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
