Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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