i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
