how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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