I didn't shave. On purpose
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
