It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
