a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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