I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
