I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
19 Movie Extras Reveal What It’s Like To Work With Celebrities
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?