This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ