No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
