It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
