im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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