Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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