Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
