Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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