Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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