i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
