woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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