I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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