I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just gift wrapped bread.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
