I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
