Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
