Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
