My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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