Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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