Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
