There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
