I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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