You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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