I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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