I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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