Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
