this beer tastes like vomit already
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
