I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
