He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
