life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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