I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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