i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
