Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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