The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
