I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
