I just threw up on my dentist
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
