does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..