I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
