While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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