hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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