I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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