im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
