i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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