I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
