Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
