I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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