please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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