pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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