I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
